The Imbalance of Power

Can you imagine a place where people are afraid to do their jobs because of job insecurity in the host country that hired them in the first placeif they do their job correctly? Can you imagine a place where children call the shots over the adults who have come to do every job in their country, including wiping their bottoms? Can you imagine a place where a 9-year old mouths off to a theater manager and a pair of adults (both ex-pats), using a foul mouth to tell them he can do whatever the hell he wants in his country and have us all kicked out if we don’t like it? And the manager shrugs his shoulders and tells the adult ex-pat couple they should go to the movies in Bahrain (ANOTHER FREAKING COUNTRY!) where there is a rating system and children are not allowed into mature content films. Can you imagine this place? I can. Welcome to the new Doha.

Qatar has changed in the 10 years I have been here and in some very serious ways, not for the better. Sure there is much better educational opportunity which I think has lessened the chance that young people are sucked into Islamic extremism. But the changes that I am referring to here are the result of unmitigated wealth, a dramatic rise in the standard of living which has lead to people thinking money can buy anything and that the whole world is their slave for the hiring.

But it can’t. It can’t buy manners, goodness and human decency. And that is in short supply in this changing Qatar. The answer for me will probably come in the form of me leaving this “new Qatar”, although at one time I thought I would spend the rest of my life and die here, insha’Allah. But the growing devaluation of human rights and decency, coupled with the increasing greed and lack of respect for others make Qatar a place I am struggling with.

My apologies to the good, decent Qataris. I am not referring to you but profoundly saddened by the changes I see taking place in this country I have come to love.

What Age SHOULD Muslims Marry?

I’ve been thinking about what Omar wrote in the last thread regarding sex, marriage and puberty. It seems he susbscribes (as MANY Muslims probably do) that Muslims should marry as close to puberty as possible to make sure they stay “pure”. It is also in line with the standard interpretation of Islam that masturbation is haram. So does it make sense then that 11-13 year olds are better served by marriage as these people think Islam prescribes than risk any form of haram behavior? If Islam is for all times and places then how do you reconcile the fact that marrying at puberty clashes with the fact that in this day and age most people are neither emotionally developed enough to understand the ramifications of marriage or perhaps more importantly, will have not even completed half of the education needed to be able to make something of yourself and support yourself and a family?

I think Muslims are stuck. They don’t know how to think critically and apply the knowledge that we have within the context of our times. So instead they keep regurgitating the “same old-same old” labeling it the sunnah and insisting that it be followed to the letter, even though it may be disastrous. I think it stems from the focus on memorization in Islam and the de-emphasis on thinking. I’ve said it before: the greatest way to control people is by subverting their ability to think for themselves. Muslims make great sheeple in that regard. I just can’t get on that boat….

Western “Reverts” and Love of “Exotica”

I recently came across a discussion by an American muslimah living in the US lamenting her “homesickness” for an Arab country she visited. Another Muslimah from that country questioned whether “homesickness” was the correct word/concept. This is just one particular thread but I have read many similar ones over the last year that express similar ideas. Many times Western Muslims glamorize the Arab world as a place where “real” Islam is practiced and often confuse Arab culture with Islamic mandates. I’ve written about this before with regard to converts taking Arab names, wearing Arab clothes and eating only Arab foods. I thought it might be interesting to share my perspective on the issue of Arabophilia.

I have lived in Qatar for 9 years now. I loved it when I first came here — actually LIVING and WORKING here, rather than traveling, visiting or sightseeing. When I went home after 10 months here I did find myself anxious to return here but can’t really say I was “homesick”. Sure I was fascinated with “the other” and found a fair degree of “exoticism” in living and traveling in the Middle East but in time I did actually find myself more and more at home here. Now, I can say I truly get “homesick” if I am away for a while but that is because I actually maintain my home here and do not maintain a home in any other country.

Most of the women I notice succumbing to the Romantic notion of “the Other” are young women who have converted and married Arabs, subsequently suffering rejection from their families. Sometimes the family doesn’t adapt well to the outward changes in their daughter (e.g., perhaps she has started covering her hair or face); they may feel estranged with the new son-in-law’s culture or they may be puzzled and hurt by their daughter’s rejection of the religious values they raised her with. It can even be as simple as non-religious parents not understanding how they now cannot have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving in the presence of their daughter. Regardless of the triggers, a parent whose child makes this major life altering decision is definitely going to need time to adjust to the changes. When the daughter is young (teens or twenties) it’s only natural that the parent might assume that rebellion is the driving force behind these changes.

But sisters, just give it some time and be patient. Let them see you are the same daughter they have loved and raised. Make sure they know that as a Muslim you will still be devoted to them as your parents. And for God’s sake, don’t make them associate your becoming a Muslim with a rejection of everything they value and hold dear. Or at least, don’t rub it in their faces! LOL!

The United States will always be my home, even if I never return to live there. There are many things I don’t like (maybe even hate) about the US but wisdom and maturity has taught me that you can’t run away from home and really negate who you are. At most you will be an ex-pat in Arabia like me, comfortable and happy. But like me you will never be an Arab, so the sooner you get comfortable with WHO you are the more you will feel connected to WHERE you are.

Something Is Wrong Here: A Social Observation Of Life In Qatar

Okay. I know I am a glutton for punishment because today I went with a friend to see another movie at the City Center. I haven’t posted about this before but let me preface it that attending the cinema in Doha is frustrating exercise in the limits of rude behavior. People talk (LOUDLY), mobiles go off every few minutes and people actually answer them and carry on conversations! To be honest, it is primarily Qataris and a few ex-pat Arabs that are the worst culprits and after countless discussions on the subject the best explanation that some Qatari friends and students could come up with was that it’s a strange part of their idea of being “social”.

Anyway, I decided to give the movie theater experience another shot because there was a film I really wanted to see.
This time it was “1408″ which I had really been looking forward to because it is somewhat reminiscent of Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining”. So needless to say, I was psyched.

When it came time to pick the seats the theater was quite crowded already and I hesitated, telling the young woman at the box office that I wanted to make sure I wasn’t disturbed by a lot of talkers and had access to an usher in case peop. le got loud. Finally, I settled for row J, seats 13 and 14. That is the row on the level that you walk in on, and right on the end next to where the usher perches on his stool. Bad idea — I found out within 5 minutes into the film.

First of all, I notice this trend here in Doha to walk into and out of a movie at any point during the 90-120 minutes the film runs. Obviously, your average Doha cinema-goer is not in the leats bit actually interested in the film itself because they can’t possibly understand a plot if they pick it up 20-30 minutes after the film starts. So imagine, if you will, sitting in the fully sold-out cinema #2 in the City Center with one third of tne audience strolling in — loudly and using their mobiles as flashlights — during the first 40 minutes of the film. I’m talking a steady stream of theater-goers strolling right in front of you (because you are sitting right there on the entry level), talking, laughing, etc., FOR THE FIRST 40 minutes of the film!!!! Actually there were still people coming in a full hour into the film– at least half of them blocking my view of the screen!!!

Now here’s the other somewhat puzzling and thoroughly irritating thing that happens at the theater here. You know when you are watching a film that has a really disturbing subject. I’m not referring to things like scary subjects, but the kind of subject that is highly dramatic and contains scenes that should in theory make people cry, empathize or even just THINK seriously about what they are watching? For example, in “Blood Diamond” there is a scene where Djimon Honsu’s son who has been taken by force by the rebels is being molded into a child soldier and he has to kill jis first victim. A row of little boys are blindfolded and lined up facing a wall where a man who has his hands tied is awaiting his execution at the hands of one of these blindfolded boys. Honsu’s son is the one that is forced to pull the trigger. His captor pulls off his blindfold and he looks upon the dead body of his first victim. This is a riveting scene where most people gasp, cry out or even just go deadly quiet. But here in Doha, the theater is filled with laughter!?! WTH???

HERE BE SPOILERS: ;-)))

Well that happened in “1408″. There is a a scene where John Cusack’s character is holding his dying daughter in his arms. She is asking him not to leave her (in her death) and he is hugging her promising not to when he realizes he is cradling her dead body. The father bends low over the lifeless body of his child and then is wracked by heart-wrenching sobs……….. And all over the theater there is laughter?!?!!!! I’m not just saying some small giggles — I mean cackling and derisive laughter at the father crying over his dead child!!! It’s not just kids laughing, or even guys — it’s male, female, young, old……. And it’s not like it was a cheesy scene with a bad actor. This is John Cusack and the scene had the grip of reality in the interaction of father and dying daughter.

I don’t get it. It’s almost like there is a kind of social retardation; as if you find yourelf living among people who have no human empathy. I just don’t get it.

Do you?

Like A Virgin — Touched For The Very First Time

If you live in the Middle East, chances are a trip to the souq has entertained and amazed you. In addition to lots of cheap clothing imported from India, you may have come across Touch Me (Please) Virginity Soap. I like it that even when it comes to the horizontal mambo, one shouldn’t lose their manners — always remember to say please and thank you!

But seriously, this really hints at a bigger problem and that is the commodification
of the female body — or more directly to the point female sexuality. Unfortunately in many Muslim societies, as well as non-Muslim underdeveloped nations, there is an extreme pressure brought to bear on women’s chastity. As I recently discussed here, lack of chastity or even the perception of it can lead to fatal consequences.

So is it any wonder that Muslim women are willing to go to extraordinary measures to maintain the appearance of the virginal bride on their honeymoon. A girl who has been sexually experimental (including masturbation), raped, molested by a family member or even athletically active may seek out what is sometimes referred to as “that Muslim surgery”, a hymenoplasty. She will most likely have to go out of the country or to some private clinic under cover of some other procedure, but that’s a small price to pay considering the consequences could be disastrous. According to Women’s e-news:

Some doctors perform these specialized surgeries on women late at night when there’s no one else in the waiting room. The patients are most often women of Middle Eastern descent, some with origins from countries such as Iran and Saudi Arabia. They frequently give false names and pay in cash. They arrive alone, faces hidden, under elaborate hats, wigs, scarves and sunglasses, and afraid, say doctors.

They are there for hymenoplasties, or the repair of hymens, which, when intact, are widely recognized as evidence of virginity. The surgeries could save their lives, noted the physicians who perform them, because, according to some interpretations of Islamic law, if a male relative suspects them of having premarital sex, the woman is a criminal. In some countries, such as Saudi Arabia and Nigeria, the penalty could be death.

And it is not only the female patients who have to fear for their lives:

The women who undergo the procedures are not the only ones who fear for their lives or well-being. A number of U.S. physicians who perform these surgeries have received death threats by some who identify themselves as Muslims. Young said that some doctors have received e-mails and phone calls threatening them or their staff with physical harm.

The threats to the doctors shadow the greater danger faced by women who undergo the surgery. Many live in fear of violence or honor killing, a practice in which a woman is murdered by her family members for supposedly shaming or tarnishing the family name with “unchaste” behavior. The practice occurs in traditional communities around the world, including the United States and Europe.

The larger issue is, of course, how the Islamic prescription for chastity outside of marriage has been subverted in a male-centered interpretation of Islam. According to
Dr. Laila Al-Marayati of the Los Angeles-based Muslim Women’s League:

“The problem of ‘honor killings’ is not a problem of morality or of ensuring that women maintain their own personal virtue; rather, it is a problem of domination, power and hatred of women who, in these instances, are viewed as nothing more than servants to the family, both physically and symbolically….”

The Islamic law of chastity before marriage does not distinguish between men and women. But women are often uniformly singled out for punishment of sexual crimes.

The report goes on to say:

[W]omen seek hymen-repair surgeries to cope with cultural pressures and not to comply with Islamic law, which does not stipulate a need to check a woman’s virginity.

“While Islam requires that both men and women be chaste before marriage; it doesn’t require women to prove it,” she said. “The need for surgery is because of the culture in some countries. Those same cultures do not require a man to prove his chasteness.”

“It is sad that doctors are being threatened because proving chastity is not part of Islam,” she added.

I doubt virginity soap is going to do the trick for these women but it may provide a solution to the woman who fears her husband may stray or even take another wife. Evelyne Ogutu writes in the Kenya-based Instinct
mazine that women are using products that are said to tighten the vagina in order please their husbands who have a preference for “dry sex” which is considered the hallmark of a virgin or at least reveals the woman is not a prostitute (or so these ignorant men think). Of course, the lack of pleasure or more so even the pain a woman endures during these encounters isn’t really the man’s problem anyway, now is it?

“Every man’s desire is to date a virgin, and many women, on realising this, seek ways of restoring their lost virginity,” says the distributor.

Natasha Mwikali* was introduced to the virginity soap two years ago when her marriage was on the verge of collapse. Her husband of 10 years kept complaining that she did not satisfy him sexually and threatened to move in with another woman.

“I was not prepared to lose my man to another woman, and was ready to try anything that would make him stay,” says the mother of three. A friend advised her to purchase the virginity soap which was then being sold in Nairobi only.

Natasha says the soap actually makes the vagina feel tighter and increases friction and sexual desire. However, she admits experiencing a tingling effect after applying it. “But this is a small price to pay considering that the soap saved my marriage,” she says.

The Mt Kenya distributor says most married women, like Natasha, use the products to ensure their husbands do not chase after young girls popularly known as “sweet sixteens”.

The gynaecologist says virginity products alter the vaginal PH (degree of acidity) which is normally about 6. [The] women have sought treatment for infections at his clinic after using the virginity products.

“Unlike the lubrication jelly doctors give women who have reached menopause to enhance their sex lives, the virginity soaps and gels render a woman’s sexual organs habitable to bacteria and other micro organisms,” he explains.

To what lengths will we go to keep our men and our lives? I guess some would hope there is plenty of free virginity soap in paradise to do battle with the 72 virgins Muslim men are counting on!

If Islam Is For All Times And Places, Then Why Must We All Become 7th Century Arabs?

American Flag Burqa by Marshall Weber, 2001
Originally uploaded by peacefulmuslimah.

Over at Bidayah wa Nihayah: The Beginning and the End, there is a great post about how North and South American Muslimahs married to Arabs lose their culture and individuality in ways that really are not necessary (and may not, in my view, even be healthy or the best thing in terms of potential dawah). I have been saying the same thing for the past 6 years (since I became a Muslim). I believe that a big part of the reason that my parents have been so receptive to Islam as my choice is because I have not rejected everything from my culture. Except for a few things — like dressing more modestly, praying and controlling my language (all things which they see as positive changes, btw) — they recognize the daughter that came into their lives 48 years ago. As such, they have been able to continue to embrace me and included in that embrace the Arab Muslim man I married. They have shown interest in learning more about our beliefs and the culture I live in — which is invaluable to me.

All around me I see (and read about) sisters who have reinvented themselves as “perfect” Arab wives. Certainly it is nice to know how to cook some of your husband’s favorite foods, as it is also nice for him to learn to enjoy some of yours. But I don’t really understand why an Arab can’t come to love the Katherine or Alice that your parents brought int this world as easily as a Khadijah or Aisha.

For me this issue really came into focus about a month ago when my STBEH presented me with “The List” (his proposal for how to reunite after our recent separation) and the vast majority of things on his list had to do with me trying to change who I am — the worst affront being that he expected me to give up my culture and take his. If you have been reading my blog you know that I rejected his list. But what you do not know is that he has returned (but this time sans list) and asked what it would take for me to come back to be his wife. I told him before I could even consider that question he needs to think about who he wants as a wife: the woman he tried to make into the “perfect Arab wife” or me (the opinionated, independent, American Muslim woman who I really am). I refuse to even consider accepting an answer from him for at least one month because I think he needs plenty of time to really see me for who I am and figure out if that is what he wants. Then and only then, would I be willing to consider what I would require to stay married to him.